FAQ

Is this for real?

Yes. As far as I know I'm the only one offering these services in North America. But I got my inspiration from the coffin confessor in Australia. https://www.thesun.co.uk/news/12370588/meet-the-coffin-confessor-granting-peoples-bizarre-dying-wishes-revealing-affairs-at-funerals-destroying-sex-toys/ 

This is very much for real. 

 

Can you explain your services more simply? Yes!!

Personal confessor. I will say anything that you can't say. For whatever reason.

Personal item pickup. I will come to wherever you need me to be and collect anything you don't want found.

Scatter ashes. I pick up your loved ones' ashes and scatter them where you wish. 

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Why do you need to keep the money in cash?

It's not to avoid taxes. This is all on the books. Once the job is completed then I put it through my accountant. You also can cancel at any time before the job.

The reason why I keep the money in cash for the two jobs. Personal confessor and private item pickup.

Is because these are all short notice jobs. If it happens to be a personal confession job at a funeral and the person just died. I have three days at best to get everything in motion and set up. I cannot wait for a check to clear. If the person dies on a Saturday evening. And I have a cashier's check. I still can't cash that until Monday. Leaving me maybe one day to get to wherever the job is, make sure everybody is set up, if this is a more than one person job. Make sure everyone knows they're lines if that is also needed. Get the cameras set up if that is also needed.

For the private item pickup. That's an even shorter turnaround always. Generally I have to drop everything I'm doing at the moment and go and complete that job. If it's going to require money I need it right away. 

So I keep all of the documentation and money kept in a fireproof and waterproof safe. The safe is also locked in a 24 hour storage locker.

What is included in personal item pickup?

Anything and everything really. Within reason.

Moving a motorhome is technically within reason. 

This does not include anything illegal. 

I'm not removing drugs, bodies, guns, clothing with blood on them. You get the idea. I will be calling the police if I come across that stuff.

 

Scatter ashes? Anywhere?

Yes. Officially there's a lot of places where you are not allowed to scatter ashes. 

But I'm sure something could be worked out.

 

How do I order your services?

First we talk about what you require. If it is something we can do. 

Then we work out all of the details. 

The job could be as basic as telling a few people some information. Or organizing your funeral in another location. Unbeknownst to your family. 

I could be sent to collect a computer or a 2000 lb safe.

In my experience there is usually a lot to talk about. By preference order form, text or call.

 

To start the job, how do I contact you?

Usually things have gone to s*** when my job starts. If you have a lawyer I suggest giving them my number. Keep it on a card in your wallet. Make us an emergency contact. Then we can also go down the list and contact all the people you want contacted after. 

I have a special phone and number just for this job. 

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Personal Confessor Price range?

 At the high end it's $10,000 plus. That price is for a confession where it is complicated because of the amount of work, short notice of the confession, high chance danger to us, location of the confession.

A local easy confession with no chance of harm to us will run around $3,000

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What could we arrange?

A live band playing your favorite music.

You can wear your favorite tee-shirt and pants or nothing at all.

We could publish an article in the news paper. Documenting everything from your side. It could be published as an Ad. Or a billboard on the highway or near your enemies house. 

We can have stormtroopers and or Darth Vader show up. Death could even show up.

Or a person in a squirrel costume with a sign saying  eat shit Bob 

Paper bag's and bottles of your favorite alcohol for everyone who comes, it does not all have to be negative. I recommend cold concord grape wine.

A letter could be handed out to everyone who shows up. Listing off your confessions positive or negative.

We can be there to confess positive things as well. For a lot of people "I loved you" can be harder to say then I hated you.

A Viking funeral with your cremated remains or your real remains if your local area allows it.

An empty coffin because your real funeral is going on somewhere else. Surprise!!!! to all the people who showed up to the non funeral.

A Haka Dance could be arranged as well.

Really our imaginations and time frame are the limits.

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